I’m currently engaged to be married next summer and although my fiancé and I are not sexually active, I do spend the night at his house twice a week. Is this wrong? I know that if we lived together, that would be considered living in sin. But is staying over for the night sinful if we’re not having sex?
That’s a great question. But my question would be, how can two people that
want to be married, that love each other, that are attracted to each other, and
that are drawn to each other, how could you spend the night with each other and
not want to have sex? Maybe you do want to have sex, but maybe you restrain
yourself and you don’t have sex. But I think it’s very difficult to put yourself
in a situation that is tempting.
The Bible says, “Flee from the appearance of evil.” So I would encourage you to
be careful not to put yourself in a situation. Is it sin for you to spend the
night at his house? Not necessarily. But the Bible says, “All things are lawful
for me, but not all things are profitable.” Even if you were living together,
and you weren’t sleeping together and having sex, I don’t find it in the Bible
where that is a sin. But I find that when two people are attracted to each other
and they’re alone, I find that to be hard to resist. And so I would stay out of
situations like that.
To answer your question, I don’t find in the Bible where it’s a sin to spend the
night, but I do find that it’s hard to be in a tempting situation and not
stumble. So don’t cause your brother to stumble. In this case, don’t cause your
fiance to stumble because you spend the night at his house. He’s obviously likes
you, that’s why he wants to marry you. So, I would be cautious of that, and I
would flee from the appearance of evil. 1 Thessalonians 5 tells us to run from
the appearance of it—and not just the evil itself. Because it’s not evil to be
engaged, but to flee from the appearance of something that would lead you to sin
or lead others to believe that you were engaging in sin.
I’ve been battling with masturbation. And from time to time I’ll go on the internet and I’ll just be looking up stuff for this and that and something will come across and I’ll just click it on. And I just keep on going further and further to the point where I just keep on masturbating. The thing that’s hurting me is I know I’m not supposed to do it, but I keep on doing it and I don’t want to do it anymore, but I keep on doing it. And I just don’t want God to think that I enjoy doing this. It’s something that I’m fighting; it’s not something that I’m encouraging. I don’t want to do it anymore.
First of all, I want to let you know that I’m proud of you for being honest
and being transparent and open. I understand. And God knows what you’re dealing
with. That’s the first thing that you need to know. He’s not mad at you. He’s
not upset. He’s not surprised. He’s not shocked. He’s not like, “Oh my God; how
could he do this?” He knows what you’ve done. He knows what you’re struggling
with. And He know that there are thousands of men listening right now, thousands
of men, millions of men around the world who are struggling with the same thing
and many of them are not honest about it like you are. So that’s the first key
to anything is to be honest and transparent about it.
The second thing that I want you to understand is that you’re no different than
Paul the Apostle. You’re in good company because Paul the Apostle says in Romans
chapter 7, “The thing that I don’t want to do, I end up doing. And the thing I
want to do, I end up not being able to do. So, now what do I do?” And that’s
basically what Romans chapters 6 and 7 are all about.
The good news is that Romans chapter 6 & 7 is not the end of the book of Romans;
it goes on to chapter 8. And chapter 8 is where the victory is. It’s where the
Promised Land is, it’s where you’re going to find your sense of victory. I want
to encourage you to read chapters 7 & 8 of Romans.
First of all, you’ve got to take the pressure off of yourself. God’s not going
to judge you and God’s not mad at you. So, first take the pressure off.
Secondly, you’ve got to be honest, which you’ve done. Thirdly, you have to
recognize that you’re not alone, that you’re not the only one dealing with the
thing you’re dealing with. Paul the Apostle had struggles with sin and
temptation – maybe not the same ones you’re dealing with. And even though Jesus
never sinned, the Bible says we have a High Priest who has been tempted in all
things as we are, yet without sin. So, those are the first things of importance
that I need to share with you.
Now, here are six simple steps to break free from lust and break the addiction
to masturbation or any sexual sin.
Number one, you must be honest to God about your situation. You’ve got to go to
Him. Psalm chapter 32 says, “When I kept silent about my sin, my body wasted
away as with the fever heat of summer. So, number one, we’ve got to be honest
with God, admit it God, and admit it to yourself.
Number two; pour your heart out to God. Tell Him how much you want to do this
but you don’t want to do it. How tempting it is but how you know it’s wrong.
Tell Him. Be honest. Don’t say, “Oh Lord, I never want to do this again. I never
want to do this again.” That’s a lie. You know you want to do it again. People
do want to sin again. And we need to be honest and not pretend that we don’t
really want to do it when in our minds and in our flesh, we really do. Our heart
doesn’t want to sin, but our flesh does. And we need to pour our heart out to
God and say, “Lord, I’m struggling. I’ve wanted to do this and I don’t want to
do it. I’m confused. I’m caught in the middle and I need help. And pour your
heart out to God and ask for help. Hebrews 4:15-16.
Number three; meditate on the Word of God. Psalm 119:9 says, “How can a young
man remain pure, sexually pure?” And then the answer is, “by keeping his way
according to the Word of God.” So, we have to meditate on the Word, meditate on
the Word, meditate on the Word. And we will be able to remain pure as we think
of the Word, as we read the Word, as we speak the Word out of our mouth.
Number four, take communion. People say, “Well, I can’t take communion until I
get rid of this sin.” No, take communion and say, “Lord, I am taking communion
because when I drink this cup, I am drinking the blood of Jesus that will
deliver me from this lust. I am believing that the blood of Jesus is enough to
cleanse me and to set me free from the power of this lust – whether its
masturbation or lust or pornography, whatever it is. I believe, Lord, that when
I take communion, You’re going to set me free.” Most people will tell you that
you have to stop sinning before you take communion, but that’s not true. You
have to take communion and say, “Lord, I believe your blood is worthy enough to
deliver me from this sin.”
Number five, stop condemning yourself. You have to get out of the habit of
beating yourself up when you stumble. You go to God, you confess it to Him and
He’ll cleanse you and wash you from it, but don’t beat yourself up about it.
You’re going to find that that step alone will set you more free than you ever
thought you could be before.
And number six, have someone in your church hold you accountable. Find somebody
that you can trust in your church – one of the pastors, one of the elders, one
of the department leaders that you can trust – and have them hold you
accountable on a regular basis, not just once in a while. Tell them, “Look, I’m
struggling with this and I want you to ask me every three or four days how I’m
doing in this area and I’m going to be honest with you.” You follow those 6
steps and you will be well on your path to freedom. This is the way out.
What’s the difference between fornication and adultery?
Fornication is any sex outside of marriage. So people who are not married to each other and who are having sex are guilty of fornication. But they are only also committing adultery if one or both of them is married.
I’ve been serious with a girl, and recently I discovered that she is a virgin and is saving herself for marriage, which I fully support 100%. The thing is: I don’t want to marry a virgin. Sex is a very important part of a marriage, and I prefer to be with a girl who knows what she’s doing.
If you are willing to let go of a woman because she’s a virgin, then you are
missing the whole point. She’s what you want! That is the very essence of holy
When a woman has kept herself for marriage, that is the greatest honor she can
give you. Why would you want a woman who has been involved with other men – and
who could later be involved with other men again?
It’s good for a man to have a wife who is a virgin. She’s not going to be a
virgin after your wedding night; she will know what to do. God created men and
women to know what to do during the act of sex. They don’t need to have been
involved with other people to know what to do. They will know what to do
instinctively and by educating themselves. She’ll want to learn what will please
you, and you should want to know what will please her. If you are not going to
get involved with somebody else after you get married to a woman, why would you
want somebody who has been?
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t marry somebody who has had sex in the past.
What I am saying is that God set marriage and sex up for both people to be
virgins. You can get married after you’ve had sex in the past, but know that it
was wrong . . . it didn’t contribute to you having a healthy marriage. It
actually contributes to problems in marriage. That is why God wants to protect
us from that, and that is why the Bible teaches us not to be involved in
Is it good for married couples to watch porn?
No. I don’t believe it is good for anybody to watch pornography. Pornography
is a spiritual force of lust and sexual sin. Is it okay for men and women to
study godly, biblical books on having a better sex life? Absolutely. But they
should do it in a controlled environment where it will not lead them to
temptation other than to be involved with each other.
Pornography is wicked and will open the door to so many other sins. It will open
the door to greed, selfishness, anger, putting demands on the other person and
unrealistic expectations that they are not able to fulfill. So no, I don’t
endorse that ever in any situation.