Marriage - Separated


28/06/2006
After 6 years of being married, my husband told me that he does not love me anymore and will not love me as long as he lives. What shall I do to bring back the love he had for me then? I don't want to lose him. I want to save our marriage. I just won't give up.

That’s a tough question and a tough situation. First of all, thank God that you’ve only been married six years. I think that if you’ve only been married six years, certainly your husband must remember the time that he was in love with you because it sounds to me like you’re saying there was a time that you did love each other.

And so, the thing that you do in a situation like that is to pray. You pray that God would soften his heart. You pray that God would put in his heart the love that he had for you once before. God is able to do that. He is faithful and He is well able to do that. You need a miracle in this situation and you need to ask God for a miracle.

In the meantime, you need to identify what were the things that he loved most about you when he was in love with you. What were the things that he loved about you? Was it your hair? Was it your perfume? Was it how you dressed? Was it how you took care of yourself? Maybe you’re not taking care of yourself anymore. Go back to how you took care of yourself then. Six years is not that long. You can’t be that much older. You can’t be much different of a person. Even though I’m sure you’ve improved, you can’t be that different of a person that he wouldn’t love the person that he once did. Maybe you have to look at “What are the things that he loved about you at that time?” and then try to recapture those.

Also, get counseling. People should never end a marriage without seeking godly counseling and godly help so that they can do everything that they know to do. You have to do everything that you can to make peace with this man. You have to do everything in your power.

In the end, you won’t be able to control him, you won’t be able to make him love you, but you have to do everything you can so that you’re not the reason why he doesn’t want to stay married to you. Let it be because of him, not because of you. So what do you do? You identify what you did and what he loved about you in the past. Try to recapture that. You pray for him. Pray that God will move on his heart. And you get counseling.

Those are the three things that you can do. And continue to be kind to him because the soft answer turns away wrath. So you have to make sure that when you speak to him, it’s with softness and kindness and that you’re trying to meet his felt needs. He has needs – not just sexually, but emotionally and he’s got an ego. And you need to try to identify what it is that builds him up and you might find that he really will fall in love with you again.


Marriage - Separated


13/04/2006
My husband moved out of the household earlier this year and I’ve been praying about it, fasting, giving. What do I do now? It’s not like he’s willing at this point to go to even counseling.

That really helps you to give you the green light to move on with your life. Romans 12:19 says, “As much as it has to do with you, be at peace with all men.” So as much it has to do with you be at peace with your spouse. You can’t control what somebody else does; only what you do so as much as it has to do with you, be at peace. So, you’ve tried to be at peace with your husband. You’ve tried to reach out to him. You’ve tried to ask for counseling with him. He’s not open to any of those things.

So, what you should do now is pray for him, turn him over into the hands of God and at some point, have a moment of communication with him where you can sit down and say, “Alright, do you have any interest? I want to work this relationship out. I want to make it work. I want to fix it. I want us to get where we need to get. Are you open to doing that in any way?” And you put the ball back in his court. And if he responds positively, get into a good counseling program at your church. And if he responds negatively as he has already up to this point, then get on with God’s will for your life and move on.

Don’t feel guilty that you’re not doing enough because if you’re doing everything that you can do, you can’t control him. So, release it into the hands of God. Cast the care of it on the Lord and everything’s going to be alright.


Marriage - Separated


13/04/2006
My husband left me five years ago; we are not divorced. I’ve prayed for reconciliation, but how do I hear what God wants me to do?

God wants you to live by the Word of God. He wants you to find fulfillment from your relationship with Him. You can’t rely on somebody else to fulfill you; only God can fulfill you and satisfy you. So as hard as it is, you need to let go and move on with your life. Your husband left you; you didn’t leave him, so you need to move on with your life. You are not doing anything wrong. God is not going to hold you guilty. Move on with joy, with peace, and without any guilt.

Marriage - Separated


13/04/2006
My husband and I have been separated for one year. We’ve been in communication; going out to dinner on a regular basis and talking on the phone. He is really in a backslidden mode right now and has decided that he wants to go ahead and file for divorce. In fact, he filed for divorce without discussing it with me. During our marriage we had a lot of interference from his mother, who was always against this marriage for whatever her reasons are. Yet, I don’t want to put asunder what God has joined.

Okay, that’s a tough situation. I have to be honest and frank with you. Don’t try to hold on to a man who has already made up his mind that he doesn’t want anything to do with you. You’ve been separated already for a year, his mother interferes with you, and he doesn’t want to be married to you. He’s gone behind your back.

You’ve got to take a clue, take a hint from it. It’s not even a subtle hint; it’s very obvious that this man is selfish and wants to live his own life his own way and doesn’t want to be with you, so why would you want to be with somebody who doesn’t want to be with you? And why would anybody want to be with somebody who doesn’t really want to be with them?

You know, yes, God hates divorce. But we have to be a little more open-minded and realistic about God’s Word, and realize that God’s Word doesn’t say that the only case for divorce is adultery. He said He granted people a certificate of divorce because of a hardness of heart. If somebody was lying continually and they never committed adultery, but I couldn’t trust them, I wouldn’t stay with them. I would be happy to stand before God and say, “Look, Lord, I couldn’t stay with this person, because they lied to me and I could never know when they were telling the truth and I could never trust them about anything.”

You see, a relationship has got be built on trust. And if you don’t have trust, you don’t have anything in that relationship. And, girl, you don’t have trust because that guy has already lied and gone behind your back and he’s probably cheated on you behind your back and he’s probably been with other women—who knows? But you can’t trust him and you can’t live with somebody that you can’t trust. Cut the strings. Move on with your life.

You’re not doing anything wrong in God’s eyes. You need to move on. It’s him that’s left you. You haven’t divorced him. You haven’t left him. He’s left you. Get out of that situation and move forward with your life. And everything is going to be all right. Put your trust in God. Don’t be downcast. I think you’re putting too much confidence in him, and I think you’re looking at him. He’s got way more value in your mind than he needs to because he’s not worth holding on to. He’s a liar and a thief—he’s stolen from you, taken from you, taken advantage of you. Don’t give in to that; you’re too valuable and too precious for that. You’re too valuable and you’re too precious to be giving yourself to a guy who’s not faithful, who’s not loyal, and who can’t be trusted. I wouldn’t advise you to stay in a relationship like that.

The truth will make us free. Jesus said it. “You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free.” Yield to the truth. Don’t hold on to your feelings. Don’t hold on to your opinions that are not in alignment with God’s Word. Sometimes we just want to protect our feelings when what we need to do is to follow God’s way. “Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.” Do things God’s way. And all these things will be added to you.

I strongly encourage you to stop being co-dependent. We’ve got to stop thinking that a man or a woman is going to satisfy us. They never will. They never can. You can be with the greatest men and greatest women in this world; you can be with all the most beautiful women or with the richest men in the world, and you’ll never be satisfied until Jesus Christ fills your heart up. He’s the only source of true satisfaction.