Relationships - Dating - Relationship - Dating General


29/06/2006
May I ask what your thoughts are on dating someone younger/older than you, being both equally yoked and adults?

I don’t see in the Bible a restriction to an age comparison that people have to have in a marriage. Both of you have to be mature, Both of you have to be smart – you have to know what you’re getting into, you have to know the complications that are going to be involved in marrying somebody that’s much younger or much older. You have to understand those differences, understand those complications and be willing to accept and embrace those for the rest of your life.

So, the principle there is Luke chapter 14. Jesus said if you build a tower, first sit down and calculate the cost to see if you have enough to complete the tower. That’s what the Bible says to do. That’s what I encourage you to do. Make sure you have enough wherewithal, patience, strength, stamina, willingness to go through.

I mean if it’s a man marrying an older woman, you’ve got to realize that she’s going to age differently than you. If it’s a woman marrying an older man, you’ve got to realize that he might have you for a while and then think, “Well, okay, I used her up” and then want to move on to somebody else.

You’ve got to really make sure that if time has passed that you really have asked the serious questions, the important questions of each other, you’ve looked at each other’s history – family history, job history, life history – and really see for yourselves that this is the right person for you.

But I wouldn’t recommend people marry somebody where there’s more than 10 or 15 years difference. I know that there are people that have married people where there is 20 years difference or more, but that’s rare and that doesn’t always work. I would try to keep it close in age because for intellectual reasons and common interests. When you get older and you’re interested in bowling and shuffleboard and that person is interested in hiking and you’re not – not that you should ever grow so old that you can’t do fun things. But you just got to make sure your interests are going to be like-minded. So, I hope that helps.


Relationships - Dating - Relationship - Dating General


02/05/2006
I have been seeing this guy as a friend. We both attend the same church and we both love the Lord and we’ve been hanging out as friends together for several months. I’ve grown attracted to him. We don’t talk about love or flirt or anything like that; it’s totally spiritual and we both walk in wisdom. I’ve wrestled with my attraction to him and I was wondering if I should tell him and ask him where I stand or just let him be the one to choose me if he wants?

I think now that you feel that way; you should pull back a little bit because you don’t want to be hurt. You pull back a little bit and then at some point, bring it up and say, “Look, it’s been a great relationship so far. Is there a vision or a goal that you have for this relationship or do you feel like right now it’s where you want it to always be?”

There’s nothing wrong with asking that question at some point. If I were you, I’d probably do it over the phone rather than in person because you don’t want him to feel uncomfortable and feel like he’s got to look down or look around and not look at you. Ask him on the phone at some point when you feel that the time is right. You don’t even need to be in a rush to do that.

Platonic relationships usually don’t stay that way for very long. Something will move your heart closer or his heart closer or move your heart away. If your heart is moving closer to him, then you need to evaluate where he’s at and ask him where’s he’s at. Don’t tell him what you feel yet. But ask him, “Hey do you have a vision for this relationship beyond what it is? I just to want to know how to respond and how to react to you.” That’s what you should probably suggest.

I think that you should guard yourself in any relationship with somebody of the opposite sex and not be alone with that person very much, if at all, because it can lead to things that will hurt you later. I think that now is a good time to address the issue over the phone at some point quickly, but very cautiously and gracefully. You’re not giving your heart away. Don’t give your heart away to him. Not yet.


Relationships - Dating - Relationship - Dating General


02/05/2006
I want God’s will for a relationship that I’ve had with a person for 6 1/2 years. I need to know if God wants me with her or if He wants me to leave. I asked her just recently to marry me and it was like I got the runaround. I need to know if it’s God’s will if I should stay in it or leave. In the beginning it was “Yes” and now it’s a different story. I don’t know what’s going on. I do want to marry her.

Well, the will of God concerning marriage is it requires two people to both be in agreement, to live together, work together and make it work in their relationship. If it’s just one person, it’s much harder.

Can one person save a relationship? Yes. However, if you are entering a marriage where both people are not truly excited about it and have truly prepared themselves for it, then it’s never going to work.

So, I wouldn’t pursue it. I would sit down with her and say, “If you have objections to us being married since we’ve been dating for over 6 years now, then let’s talk about those. Let’s find out if they’re objections that can be overcome or if they’re objections that cannot be overcome.” It really all boils down to that. Can they be overcome or can they not be?

Only you’ll know that when she tells you what those objections truly are. If you can’t have an open conversation with her like that, then there’s no sense in perpetuating the relationship any more anyway.


Relationships - Dating - Relationship - Dating General


02/05/2006
How do you explain to an unsaved person that wants to hang out with you or pursue you that you can’t hang out with them without looking like you’re better than them?

First of all, the way that I would do that is I would let that person know that you really like being around them and they are fun to be with but your hearts’ desire is to truly serve the Lord. Let them know that you really need somebody who’s compatible with you in that way. Explain that it does not mean that you are better than them or that you think that you are better than them. Explain that you want them to know the God that you know; that you want them to have the joy and peace in your heart that you have. Let them know that if you have that, then you have the most important ingredient to a potential relationship and that is a love for Jesus Christ. That’s what I would say to someone.

Just say it. “I don’t think I’m better than you. I don’t think I’m more important than you. I don’t think I’m holier than you. But my life is going in a certain direction with the Lord and I just want to be in a relationship with somebody whose heart is going in the same direction with the Lord. I’m moving in a direction with Jesus that I cannot compromise or bend. If you would like to know that Jesus that I know, then that just makes things so much better and so much easier for me because I really, at this time, cannot be in a relationship with somebody that’s not serving the Lord.” That’s what I would do. I’d be honest with him.


Relationships - Dating - Relationship - Dating General


28/04/2006
I’m middle-aged and waiting for God to bring me a companion who will then be my husband. What am I supposed to be doing, if anything, while I wait? Why am I not meeting anyone?

Maybe the people you’ve been around up to this point haven’t been worthy of your love and attention. You are a valuable woman of God and you need to continue your undistracted devotion to the Lord.

Yet, at the same time, you need to surround yourself with like-minded people who hold to the same standards that you hold to. That is not easy to find. You’ve got to get into a church with good people. That doesn’t mean they are necessarily somebody you should date, but you’ve got to get involved with small groups or other environments that foster healthy relationships.

I’m not saying to be involved just to find a husband. Start by meeting people and having healthy relationships in general. God wants relationships like that for you. Can God bring somebody to you without you doing anything? Yes. But there is nothing wrong in going and meeting people.

I would encourage you not to be angry. Cast your cares upon the Lord. Trust that He will bring the right person at the right time. Matthew 6:33 says, “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” Sometimes we try to add them ourselves and we get discouraged and we fail.

Remember: Don’t compare yourself to other people because when we compare ourselves to others we are without understanding. Be prepared to be single and live the fullness of life with being single, and then ask God to bring that person to you at the right time.


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