Divorce - Reconciling


16/03/2006
My wife and I have been married for 13 years and we have 5 kids. I’m a young minister. I’ve been in the ministry for 6 years and since I became a minister, there have been more arguments and stress in the relationship. She says that she’s not in love with me anymore and she wants to leave and go on with her life. I’m still fighting for my marriage and believing God to do what seems impossible, but she’s saying it’s over. It’s like night and day. I was wondering what foundation I should stand on? Do I continue standing and fighting for it?

I think that there are a lot of things that can be said about your situation but number one is that your wife needs the miracle of a changed heart. That’s what she needs. That’s what you should be praying for: that God would touch her, heal her and give her whatever is lacking or hurting in her life. You need to pray that God would comfort her and heal her.

Secondly, you need to understand what a tough profession that you’re in. Being a minister, you become a target of not only the devil, but of people. It’s human nature in some ways to find comfort when a minister fails or falls or something bad happens to them because sometimes people feel that they deserve it. You are constantly giving out and you’re constantly trying to help and serve other people and the pressure can be enormous when you’re trying to minister to other people and to help them when in your own home you’re not able to enjoy the peace and the love that God has intended for marriage.

So, what do you do in that situation? Do you fight for a woman who has already left you in her heart and already divorced you in her heart? Or do you let her go and trust God that He will, in His time, bring somebody else to you? Well, you stand for her to receive the love and the grace and the goodness that she deserves. That’s what you do. You pray for her to receive the love.

The Bible says that we’re to pray for our enemies. How much more, if we’re to pray for our enemies, how much more should we be praying for our spouse who may seem like an enemy at that moment? Pray for her. Pray that God would bless her. Pray that God would bring to her the love that she’s longed for and that you would be the one who God could use to bring that. But if you can’t bring that to her, then pray that God would bring to her the person that can. To me, that is unselfish love.

First of all, you pray and you seek God and you ask God to change you so that you’re capable of doing that. And then, worst-case scenario, if she doesn’t believe you can do that, then pray that God would bless her in that way and that God would give her the desire of her heart. In the meantime, nobody should ever consider divorce that doesn’t first go through extensive counseling together with a trained Christian marriage psychologist. Nobody should ever go through a divorce or consider separation or divorce until going through that deep process of counseling. So, if I were you, I wouldn’t grant her the divorce or I wouldn’t acknowledge the divorce until she was willing to go through some intensive counseling with you and a Christian counselor to really exhaust every possible way to restore that relationship. And if it cannot be restored, at that point and only at that point, you move on.

I would go back to her and say, “I want to get marriage counseling and see if we can find what both of us need in this relationship. Just be willing to go to 3 or 4 months of counseling with me. If we can make it, then great. If not, you’ll never hear from me again other than in relationship to our children. That’s what I would do if I were you. But I wouldn’t fight for it any further than that because she’s already left you. She’s already gone.

Let me tell you something that’s very important that we need to understand. When Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden, Adam didn’t have to sin. And when Eve walked away from God, when she sinned, the Bible says that she was going to die. Adam should have just let Eve die. And God would have given Adam a better wife; another wife who would not have made a decision to listen to the devil rather than listen to God.