My wife and I have been married for 13 years and we have 5 kids. I’m a young minister. I’ve been in the ministry for 6 years and since I became a minister, there have been more arguments and stress in the relationship. She says that she’s not in love with me anymore and she wants to leave and go on with her life. I’m still fighting for my marriage and believing God to do what seems impossible, but she’s saying it’s over. It’s like night and day. I was wondering what foundation I should stand on? Do I continue standing and fighting for it?
I think that there are a lot of things that can be said about your situation
but number one is that your wife needs the miracle of a changed heart. That’s
what she needs. That’s what you should be praying for: that God would touch her,
heal her and give her whatever is lacking or hurting in her life. You need to
pray that God would comfort her and heal her.
Secondly, you need to understand what a tough profession that you’re in. Being a
minister, you become a target of not only the devil, but of people. It’s human
nature in some ways to find comfort when a minister fails or falls or something
bad happens to them because sometimes people feel that they deserve it. You are
constantly giving out and you’re constantly trying to help and serve other
people and the pressure can be enormous when you’re trying to minister to other
people and to help them when in your own home you’re not able to enjoy the peace
and the love that God has intended for marriage.
So, what do you do in that situation? Do you fight for a woman who has already
left you in her heart and already divorced you in her heart? Or do you let her
go and trust God that He will, in His time, bring somebody else to you? Well,
you stand for her to receive the love and the grace and the goodness that she
deserves. That’s what you do. You pray for her to receive the love.
The Bible says that we’re to pray for our enemies. How much more, if we’re to
pray for our enemies, how much more should we be praying for our spouse who may
seem like an enemy at that moment? Pray for her. Pray that God would bless her.
Pray that God would bring to her the love that she’s longed for and that you
would be the one who God could use to bring that. But if you can’t bring that to
her, then pray that God would bring to her the person that can. To me, that is
First of all, you pray and you seek God and you ask God to change you so that
you’re capable of doing that. And then, worst-case scenario, if she doesn’t
believe you can do that, then pray that God would bless her in that way and that
God would give her the desire of her heart. In the meantime, nobody should ever
consider divorce that doesn’t first go through extensive counseling together
with a trained Christian marriage psychologist. Nobody should ever go through a
divorce or consider separation or divorce until going through that deep process
of counseling. So, if I were you, I wouldn’t grant her the divorce or I wouldn’t
acknowledge the divorce until she was willing to go through some intensive
counseling with you and a Christian counselor to really exhaust every possible
way to restore that relationship. And if it cannot be restored, at that point
and only at that point, you move on.
I would go back to her and say, “I want to get marriage counseling and see if we
can find what both of us need in this relationship. Just be willing to go to 3
or 4 months of counseling with me. If we can make it, then great. If not, you’ll
never hear from me again other than in relationship to our children. That’s what
I would do if I were you. But I wouldn’t fight for it any further than that
because she’s already left you. She’s already gone.
Let me tell you something that’s very important that we need to understand. When
Eve sinned in the Garden of Eden, Adam didn’t have to sin. And when Eve walked
away from God, when she sinned, the Bible says that she was going to die. Adam
should have just let Eve die. And God would have given Adam a better wife;
another wife who would not have made a decision to listen to the devil rather
than listen to God.